reflection on 9/11

i sat down this morning with my usual cup of coffee soaking up beautiful moments: my daughters, husband, my home, my dog…and then it occurred to me…9/11 today.

not that i have forgotten the day…oh no…it’s just that the usual rituals that are happening in my life now are almost the same, in most parts, as they were ten years ago. i was simply carrying on.

this morning i woke up around 8:45 to a beautiful sunny morning…about the same time ten years ago…when the twin towers came down. i remember my husband was getting ready for one of his very anticipated business meeting downtown and i accompanied him because i refused to stay home alone that day (strange feeling right?). i just entered the ninth month of my pregnancy with my second child and my oldest daughter was in school.

i remember driving on the FDR to get to downtown, we talked about the meeting, the future, the new baby. moments later i noticed from my mirror dozens of police cars super speeding on the highway…towards us…with sirens on…for a moment i thought they were chasing us for speeding. soon enough i realized something so horrific and so wrong…the closer we got to midtown area the darker the city became. we looked up and saw enormous dark black clouds covering most of the the city. i turned my head and there was this beautiful bright day…diminishing behind us. turning back it felt like we are entering a movie set…a horror movie. i knew. before we even heard the news. i panicked and yelled to my husband “it’s terrorism! terrorists! i told you!”. we looked at each other in disbelief…confused…didn’t know what to say. all i wanted was to be with my daughter who was in school at that time…but going back home was impossible. we had to stay in the city. i didn’t know anyone then, whom i could call and ask to pick her up and tell her we are o.k.

my husband wanted to rush downtown to see what was happening. he refused to take me with him so he left me waiting for two hours at “borders” bookstore on 29 street and second avenue. i didn’t have a cellphone but had change in case i need to call him.

there wasn’t a soul at the bookstore except myself, the manager and his assistant. then i felt it. the pain in my very pregnant body. my belly hurt so bad i could hardly breath. it wasn’t labor. i felt anxiety and panic i’ve never felt before. to ease the pain i sat on the mezzanine stairs in the middle of the store…where i could see the streets outside. i remember seeing people running in one direction…uptown…panicking. i thought about my daughter. i was worried sick. she was only ten. what did they tell her in school? is she scared? i tried to call my husband but the lines went dead. my family overseas was hysterically trying to reach me i knew that. my mind was on overdrive. the pain. it felt like knives. i sat down trying to hold myself from crying loud. i heard the manager talking to his assistant something like this country…it’s the end…these people are all about money… and then “the second building just got hit. breathing hard and almost fainting i tried to reach my husband for the fiftieth time. my hands were shaking. the store manager came close and asked me if i needed help finding something. he pointed at a table full of books. i wanted to say something but held myself…i sat down on the stairs and prayed. the store was dead silent. i prayed loud, i sung it. i remember this prayer since i was a little girl…at school…independence day and special holidays. then,  i couldn’t stop crying – i didn’t find my husband, couldn’t reach my daughter or my family overseas, and they couldn’t reach me.

it gets emotional as i write these lines but the good news are -  my husband finally came back, safe, to take me home from the bookstore. when he saw me i was snow-white pale…tired…swollen. i was worried about him like god-knows-how. he had seen the second building collapse and people jumping off of it. it was pure horror hearing the details. we wanted to get out of the city fast. we drove uptown on third avenue and i remember seeing people running, crying, yelling. i will never forget these scenes. i have never seen all of new york city’s population on almost one avenue. after five long hours of slow driving that would normally take twenty minutes but felt like eternity, we arrived to my daughter’s school. she looked shocked. i felt sorry for her but was happy to finally see her, hug her, feel her scent. there was nothing in the world i wanted more than simply being close to her.

about a month later and way over-due i gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl.

thinking about 9/11 again i wasn’t sure what was hurting more that day – the physical stabbing pain i felt or the emotional pain of fear and grief. grief on a country that was willing to except me when i had nothing to offer. a country that gave me a home, a shelter. a country that offered to all the opportunities to become whatever it is that you, and i, could ever wish for.

i pray again…same prayer i had said exactly ten years ago, today.